861I get a real kick thinking back at my idealistic pre-baby self and musing over my parenting fantasies. I had big dreams about the things I wouldn’t do for my kids once they were of a certain age to do them for themselves. It’s all especially humorous because I now break every single vow on a daily basis. Here’s how:

I get them dressed once they were old enough to do it themselves

When we’re in the morning rush to school, I have no problem dragging them into the kitchen and dressing them with one hand while making lunch with the other.

Pick their wet towels off the floor

Unfortunately, as much as I scream “pick your towels up!” if they don’t it, you bet your ass I don’t leave them piling up in a wet heap. Yup, like a well-trained retriever, I pick them up.

Speak for them

When I’m on a busy line and the server behind glass is asking my painfully shy kids what they want to eat and all they do is stare at the floor, catatonic, you’re damn straight I’m ordering their meal.

Read their homework to them to make it go faster

Yup, guilty as charged. When Jane is on her second hour of homework and I need to get to my own work, I’m reading those wordy, boring social studies paragraphs like nobody’s biz.

Tell them what to say to the bratty friend who’s bugging them

Yeah, I chime in and say, “so and so is an asshole and this is exactly what you might want to say to them. I mean, what you have to say to them.”

Clean their lunch boxes

Every day we come home from school and I say on the way up the stairs, “First thing clean out your lunchboxes!” It gets done once week. Guess who does it the other four days a week?

Brush their teeth for them

I still do this a lot. My little one is almost 6.

Wipe their ass when they’re old enough to do it themselves.

You know you’re just as guilty as I am. Next!